It's all true

To fellow twin mom Lisa at A Letter To My Children:

I just read your post. I’m sorry my site made you feel bad. I hope that my posts on breastfeeding twins made it obvious that I wouldn’t judge you in the slightest, not that it matters. Like you said yourself, you have 295 logical reasons why you couldn’t breastfeed –reasons I did not have. The reason I’m able to breastfeed my twins is a combinations of sheer luck, determination, and lots of support. And the determination, while absolutely necessary, would have been worthless without the luck and the support.

I can see your perspective – that if it didn’t work out for us that it would be hard to read about someone for whom it did. I have these feelings too, just not about breastfeeding. I have them about 3 years of infertility, followed by a risky (and highly medicated) pregnancy followed by a medicalized birth, followed by a NICU stay.

On my blog, I want to make it known that breastfeeding twins is possible at least some of the time for some twin moms. When it was really hard in the beginning, it was such a joy to read Indigo Girl’s blog and realize that it will get easier, that it will be a joy.  But one of my other favorite twin/ infertility blogs is So Close. She doesn’t breastfeed – don’t know why, and don’t care. I just assume she made the best choice for her family with the best information she had- if it was even a choice. I would like to be a part of removing some of the obstacles to breastfeeding twins, but not by beating up on moms who don’t breastfeed. More breastfeeding would be a good thing, but it is as much an institutional and cultural problem as an issue of individual choices. My (excellent) NICU experience showed me that only the best institutional support would make it possible for NICU moms to breastfeed, much less NICU moms of multiples.

How to support others and be true to my own experiences without making anyone feel bad? Probably not possible. I will continue to write about breastfeeding, and how happy I am that we are doing it, and how it’s going for us.  I also will continue to try to be as faithful to your and other’s experiences as possible by making it clear I believe that for a lot of twin moms (and some singleton moms too) there are too many obstacles in the way to make it work. And for some of us it does, and we are lucky, and we worked really hard. These things are all true, all together.

Also true, Lisa: I will admit to thinking more than once, after reading your blog, that I have it way easier than some twin moms, and I still spend plenty of time whining and lamenting my lot. You are amazing. And I’m on your side.

Comments

[Melanie]

Just wanted to say hi - found you via Indigo Girl and got all excited to find another breastfeeding mom of twins born in March 2005--mine are b/g Hayden & Zoey). People are constantly shocked that I am nursing, and even women who've nursed all their own children are surprised to find that breasts will produce enough milk for two.

[Lisa]

Hi,Emmie, it's me, Lisa...

Thanks for writing this. And please don't feel bad about what I wrote or stop writing about breastfeeding on your site. I think it is great that you are breastfeeding twins and want to share it with others. Many people told me it couldn't be done, and it is good that others can see that, yes, it can be done.

Mostly what your site made me ponder was the kind of support I got in the hospital vs. the kind of support I probably needed. I had the determination, but not the support or opportunity, and I'm glad you did. (And thank you so much for recognizing that there is more to it than just determination.) I hope that NICU staff and lactation specialist come across your site and see what a difference they can make in the success of a mom with twins.

I think what also got me was the article in "Motherhood" magazine that you linked to about breastfeeding twins. I feel like I have a strong bond to my children, but it is hard to know what, if anything, is missing. I just always pictured myself having children and breastfeeding...but it is kind of like infertility. You picture yourself creating a life through making love and you end up in stirrups in the doctors office. Not what you expected, but still worth it.

Anyway, thanks for this post and don't worry about making me (or anyone) feel bad. I'm fine. I would rather have you tell your story that it should help others than worry about making people feel bad for your accomplishments. Your story could inspire someone pg with twins to think it is doable no matter what other people are saying. I really am happy that things are going so well for you and look forward to reading about your adventures with the boys.

[Kateri]

I struggle with this all the time. It's hard to celebrate your own accomplishments without making other feel bad. It's hard to be an advocate for something without it seeming like you are judging other people's choices.

I think you do a great job being a positive example of a breastfeeding mother of NICU twins, while also understanding the roadblocks in the institution and culture which prevent others from doing the same. Keep it up!

[Monica]

This reminds me a little about what happened on Leery Polyp a few days ago - for some reason, it's hard to celebrate our own accomplishments without making someone else feel judged. I think it's because as new mothers, we receive so much negative feedback from random people that it's hard to know when others aren't judging you -- it should be the other way around, but unfortunately it isn't. Someday I hope we all get to the place where it's shocking to be judged, instead of understood.

P.S. Tertia said she didn't breastfeed because of her breast reduction I think.