so, what's your quirkiness quotient?

I’ve been on a bit of a self-awareness kick lately. I know. Yawn. Believe me, I know – the very term “self-awareness” makes me cringe a little, bringing to mind self-help books with bright covers, umpteen books with Zen or Tao in the title, friends or family members who suddenly insist with an unbecoming desperation that you have to go to a particular seminar at a local hotel. Yet, it appears to be another gift of motherhood, this ability to better learn what makes me tick, what pushes my buttons, what gives me energy and what drains it like a slowly dripping spigot in the hot sun.

I have recently come to some peace with the fact that my many quirks, while not usually noticeable to others, are nonetheless a real presence in my life, and may be something that I ought better to be aware of. I also think they put me – dare I say it? – a little closer to what is called “the autism spectrum” than your average person probably is. I’m not saying that I’m on that spectrum exactly, just close enough to touch it and see it and perhaps recognize and understand it.

I had a clarifying conversation with a friend recently. Her son was recently diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum. She was floored by this, because she herself understands him so well, and together, they function very well as parent and child. She gets him, and he knows it. The problem then, is quite possibly the rest of the world. She herself now wonders where on that “spectrum” she is.

As for me, mostly I have real difficulty in groups of strangers that aren't focused on the same thing, like at parties or, when I was young, at recess. My brain doesn't know where to settle, and I can't clearly hear just one conversation at a time, I hear all of them and get totally overwhelmed. It may appear that I'm tuning everything out, when really, I can't stop tuning everything in. Classrooms (focused on the teacher) or church (focused on the front of the room) are OK, as are crowds of total strangers. I’m a bit sensory-defensive, preferring greatly to sit with my back to a wall where I can seen everything and not have a bunch of noise behind me. I hate being approached suddenly or from behind. I also hear a lot of noises and notice small details that other people miss, and need either silence or a lot of consistent and reliable ambient noise (ushc as in a crowd where nothing is expected of me socially) to feel comfortable. Being in another room with someone who is puttering around without having a fan or radio on is torture for me. This also explains why I can't sleep with the monitor on. I cannot stand overhead ceiling lights-- I hate it so much it almost hurts, unless the ceiling is really high. I tend to count when I walk and count steps and such, walk in patterns, hate having something in only one hand, and other weird little quirks that most people don't notice about me (I hope). I'm also extremely synesthetic, which complicates things, and sometimes I think this stuff is a result of the sensory overload that comes from having such a multi-sensory experience of everything.

On the other hand, I was very verbal at a very early age, and did not have any developmental deficits or delays, or any other “classic” signs of autism. I do have close friendships, I can read facial expressions, identify emotions, and understand the subtleties of humor. Humor is, in fact, how I cover for my quirks in social situations.

My feelings on all of this are complex and somewhat ambivalent. I have a hard time believing that a spectrum of something like autism suddenly just ends neatly at the edges. Isn’t it more likely that there are a lot of folks like me who are just on the other side of those rough edges, “high-functioning” to be sure, not even having all that much trouble due to our quirkiness, but yet not quite feeling in sync with most of the herd in some very real ways? I don’t feel I need Occupational Therapy, or meds, or counseling, or that I’m worse off because I didn’t get Special Ed. Those things are wonderful and needed in some cases, but I function pretty well just the way I am, quirks and all.

I do think it’s good to talk with my spouse about my quirks (and, ahem, his) so that we can understand each other better. I think being a bit more self-aware . I think a little more self-awareness will help me be a better parent, and is doing me good in general, allowing me to be a bit more forgiving of myself, to make wiser choices about how I spend my time, to simply accept myself better.

I need time completely alone.

I need “natural” sounds, like birds, and the wind, to ground me.

If I can’t have that, I need the radio, or a fan, or complete silence. I have been battling this quirk my entire life, and it is not likely to go away.

I need to spend more time socializing in very small groups of both familiar and unfamiliar people.

I hate big parties and other large social gatherings, and I see no reason to go to them anymore unless I am truly obligated or know almost everyone there.

I might as well unscrew the light-bulbs in our ceiling fans, because J is never going to stop flicking on overhead lights when he comes into the room.

I don’t just sing to my boys all the time because I am such a good and joyful mama. I do it because it ads some predictable noise to all their cacophony and allows me to focus.

This quiz from the Cambridge University Autism Centre was created to measure autistic traits in adults. Most people on the autism spectrum score about 35. I scored 30 out of a possible 50. J scored a 28. You can probably see why I don’t want to go to any self-help seminars…

Comments

[Sandy]

I learned about and read a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You" by Elaine Aron during my Master's program in clinical psychology. While it's not an entertaining read, it's eye-opening. She argues that being highly sensitive is a commonly misunderstood personality characteristic, one that is often treated as maladaptive rather than as a gift. I appreciated Aron's perspective as she highlights the tremendous assets of these individuals.

[Stacie]

23. Basically, I am uncomfortable in social situations. Minor hearing issues make it very difficult for me to follow conversations when there is back ground noise, plus I am just an introvert. Maybe my high-normal quirkniess is why I was so good with my autistic-spectrum student?

[Kris]

I got a 30. I've always felt like I'm VERY OCD, but ... I don't know. What's the link between autism spectrum and OCD? Should I be less concerned if it's one or the other? I'm very socially anxious. I get the ability to talk to anyone from my mom - but I HATE it. I can do it, if I have to, but just calling people makes me want to throw up. I despise it. I've never been to a party in my life. It interests me that right now, I'm on summer break and don't have much of a routine, and I'm probably going to be more likely to be depressed. Coincidence? I can't stand too much noise but I need the TV in the background or the room is "too dark/quiet." I can't sleep w/o two fans on; one for circulation, one for noise. I need things to be just right - if it doesn't feel right I have to fix it.

It makes me wonder how much is OCD and how much is this a possibility that it's something else?

[Matthew M. F. Miller]

Fear is keeping me from that test - I know that if I score high I'll obsess about it and if I score low-average I'll feel like a failure. Sick, isn't it?

BTW, I found you off of A Little Pregnant - come check out my blog sometime. Your post was great.

[theotherbear]

I scored 22 - I always was average!

BUT - I so have similar to some of your 'quirks' - I count steps, hate having things unbalanced, to the point where if I bump one shoulder I have to bump the other or I feel uneven. I hate to walk on cracks and I spend much of my day mentally working out that I step on the 3 different coloured carpet tiles at work the same number of times with each foot, and a few choice ones like that. I always thought I was slightly OCD.

[Lisa]

I got a 24. But some of the questions didn't work for me because of my hearing/vision.

A large part of my social anxiety comes from being deaf. So I think that scews it a bit. But if I had any interest in numbers I'm sure I would have been over the top.

I often wish it was easier to get to the small group or one on one social interactions without having to meet people through the large party-type interactions first. I hate parties.

So, count me in as quirky as well. Good post.

[Jennifer]

Just because I am a glutton for punishement, I took the test too. I got a 24, just a hair into the "above average" group. If anything, it made me realize that I am a prime candidate to be a hermit or the scary old lady that just lives with her cats. Socially, I function OK, but it scares the living excrement out of me to be in a room full of strangers.

However, if this made you appreciate yourself a bit more, and cut yourself some slack for some things, then by all means it was helpful. Knowing that there may be a reason why you work the way you do is comforting, even empowering.

[Amber]

I got a 32. I find so many of those questions highly dependent on who I am with.

I really like your list of things you need and what you can do. It is remarkably similar to my own.

[Suz]

Very interesting. I got a 14.

In graduate school, I was diagnosed with adult ADD. It made pieces and parts of my own quirkiness make sense. Like I can never find my car keys. Never ever. I bounce back and forth from task to task, completing them all slowly. I've never been able to notice details or be particularly good at them. I like having this as a possible explanation of why I am the way that I am.

[Kate]

I'm not going to take the test; I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful post this is.

[Steff]

I got a 32. I find this really interesting. I need structured routine and organization or I do not function very well. I always wondered if I was just raised this way but now I am thinking I am coded this way, ha!

BTW just found you and your babies are precious and your entries are interesting.

[Gretchen]

Heh, I just got a 30 too...

The only time I go to party's is because my husband wants to go, I don't read faces very well at all, and the fizz of pop/soda hurts! So I guess what I'm saying is your not alown in your quirkiness.