velcro boys

N is still such an intense kid. When he’s feeling at home, he’s the kind of kid that fills up a room –full of funny faces, songs, climbing, dancing, and jumping. That’s not to say that he’s just bouncing around – he actually has quite a good attention span and can hold the thread of a game or narrative for long stretches. He’ll sit for a long time with a book. He’s just active, and animated, with a dimpled grin as wide as his face. Yet, despite his apparent social confidence when he’s with us, he still has a lot of trouble with separation, especially from me. When we were in Holland,J and I spent a day in  Amsterdam with my brother, leaving the boys with my parents. By all accounts the day went well for them, and N didn’t seem put out by it when we got back. In the past, he’s refused to look at me, sometimes staying mad for hours. But then, last night, I was rocking him, as we still do together most every evening after I put O to bed, and we were talking things over. We talked about the tears that morning when he went to the church nursery, and then, out of the blue, he said, “You left me in Holland with Omie for a long, long time.”  Oh, it broke my heart to hear that it was so hard for him, even with someone who he adores, that he remembers it and feels less than OK about it a week later, back at home. It’s almost as if the experience of my being gone isn’t so bad, but the idea of it worries him. The tears at church were hard to see too, as was the first day I went back to work after our trip, him looking me right in the eye with his giant dark-blue eyes and saying, with a note of true desperation, “Don’t go. Don’t go.”  The boy is such a fretter, such a thinker. When he’s at home with us, he actually likes a fair bit of alone time to putter around in his room. He’s so happy in there that I sometimes feel like I’m interrupting when I come in after his nap and he’s sitting up in bed “reading” a book to himself and singing. Usually, I tell him he can come out whenever he’s ready, and sometimes he doesn’t emerge for 20 minutes. Then when he comes out, he seizes the day like it’s his last, as long as one of the people who love him the very most is right there with him. Ultimately, I think he’s an introvert who gets his energy from being alone or with the people he’s most comfortable with. Lately, he’s been telling me at bedtime what kind of dreams he plans on having, and telling me what kind of dreams to have too, so we can see each other in them.

We seem to go in waves with this separation stuff, and right now is particularly intense. Actually, both boys are really clingy right now in their own ways, O more with the constant need for hugs and kisses, and even their games all seem to be about separation and togetherness. Compared to 6 months ago, the boys are kind of a mess. When did they get so big, so long and so lean? They’re super clumsy right now, full of scraped knees and bonked heads and running into each other and the furniture, and full of high drama over nothing. Their need for sympathetic attention is intense. Where did my confident “I wanna do it myself” 2-year-olds go?  I know all this stuff is pretty normal for the age, but wow. They are, on a positive note, playing more and more directly with the other kids we spend time with, and that is nice to see. Mostly, they are very sweet with other kids, though N is terrified of rough kids and bursts into the most mournful tears if another kid is unkind to him.

Preschool is only a couple of months away, and while I think O is a bit shy and might be a bit overwhelmed at first, ultimately I think he’ll love it. He loves new things, and loves the kinds of things they do at preschool. I’m a bit concerned about N, though, and part of me wonders if he’s quite ready.* I predict that it will be a rocky transition, even if it quickly gets better, and I’m trying to think through what J and I can do to help him with it. N has eventually transitioned to the church nursery, to having me right next door at our early childhood classes, to grandma and grandpa, aunts, and a babysitter or two. The babysitter thing has always been kind of tough for me – I have a hard time trusting that their needs will be met and that a teen sitter will be watchful enough to keep them safe. Maybe I should have pushed harder with this, but my gut always said that my need to go on a date or whatever isn’t worth the worry if family isn’t available, both for their safety and N’s distress about separating from us. We do have a good sitter now that both boys like, but since we’re trying to save some money, I’m looking at doing more swapping with people from church. At least that’s a stable group of adults that N sees every week, that the boys will hopefully grow up knowing. I ma encouraged by the close relationships I witness between the teens in church and the adults that have been a part of their upbringing.

Did your 3-year-old go through an especially clingy phase? How did the transition to daycare or preschool go for your (similar-aged) kids, and what did you do to help them? Am I worrying over nothing?

Right now the prospect of leaving them both at preschool leaves me with a giant lump in my throat.

*I am fully aware that many people have no choice in this matter much earlier in their children’s lives, and that most of those kids do just fine if they have good caregivers. All the same, we don’t have to send our kids to preschool; we are sending them entirely for their own presumed benefit, so it makes sense to ask the question.

 

Comments

[jano]

I found three much more challenging than two with my daughter (she is now six). As you say in your most recent post, a three year old is a smarter, more experienced 2yo. I couldn't agree more! I started my daughter at preschool when she was just under 3 - it was a Steiner long daycare really - and she was clingy for quite a long time. I found that for her, giving her time to get the idea of the routine was important. "One day at kindy, then it's home with Mummy and Daddy for the weekend" but without making it sound like something to be ground through.

I found the daycare was excellent in that they encouraged parents to stay for the morning for the first four or five days, and to start off with short days; the first few days we stayed all morning and took her home for her nap, then the next few days we dropped her off and came back before her nap to take her home, then picked her up after her nap, then finally at about week 4 (she was going 3 days a week) she had a long day there. It did her good to see that I was welcome there and I tried to get time off work to come and do some time with the class now and then, accompanying them on walks in the area and helping with projects.

My boys are 19 months, and they have just got out of the awful clingy stage they were in when I suddenly couldn't go to the bathroom without agonised weeping (them, not me!). I am not thinking that I have seen the last of clinginess forever, though.

[Monica]

I can really relate to this -- my son has been going through a super clingy phase. Just recently he started talking about when I left him for two days while I was in the hospital having my daughter. "You were gone forever," he said. Now, when I leave the room, just to go a few steps away, he will start crying, "I'm all alone!" It's heart breaking and maddening at the same time.

[Bobbie]

Now, my clingy child is now 17, so my memory may be a little off, but I remember always having to tell Joe what our day would be like (I'd do it in the morning if he didn't ask the night before, so he wouldn't have trouble falling asleep). Get up, have breakfast, go to school, errands, lunch, nap, etc. It was also very important that I was NEVER late to pick him up (see, Mommy came back just like she said she would). Hopefully having his brother around will help N. I would say give it a go. The teachers will let you know if he's not adjusting well (but I also wouldn't give it a couple of weeks).

One of my earliest memories is my mother dropping me off at a home pre-school. The "teacher" told her to sneak out, which no mother in this day would ever do. I noticed she was gone, and ran out. I jumped into the car and locked myself in. After a few minutes of trying to pull me out, my mother gave up and I never went again. I did have to hear every day about how much fun my friend Jane had every day, though (I didn't care!).

[bea]

Our separation issues have been pretty minor, but I find it helps to have a ritual. When I drop Pie off at day-care she gives me a hug and a kiss, and if she's feeling a bit more clingy than usual she'll postpone giving it - but when she does finally lean in with her hug and kiss I know she's ready for me to go.

[cass]

We're not there yet, but I'm pretty sure Moxie and Hedra have talked about developmental stages running in 6 month cycles after about 3, so based on that it seems right on schedule. I don't remember all the details (just tucked it away for later) but this fits with what I'm remembering - stages of equilibrium (joyful, wonderful, everything clicks) and disequilibrium (clumsy, moody, stuttering, etc).

We've had similarly limited exposure to alternate caregivers. We've had ONE babysitter/nanny since the kids were ~3 months old, and she's moving away this week. Preschool this fall, and a care gap in between - which is to say that I've been thinking about similar issues lately.