temperament

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the personality traits that my kids have. One very nice thing about having your kids get a little older is that you can start to more clearly see the difference between temperament and development. N, for instance, likes order and control. This has persisted beyond the fussy ones and the terrible twos – it’s just part of who he is. He has specific ideas about where things should go, what order they should be done in, and how long it should take. This can make transitions with a preschooler very difficult. When those traits are combined with the typical developmental needs of the age, such as craving independence and playing with power, it can be maddening to, for instance, get out the door on time and with everyone’s sanity intact. Even O gets impatient with N. Upon leaving somewhere, N will want the shoes in the entryway to be lined up just right, or his bunny to be tucked in just so, or want the blocks put away the “correct” basket. He has the negotiating skills of a pint-sized litigator, and sometimes we just have to pick him up and shut the door behind him in order to get anywhere. Easygoing he’s not, and never has been. Often, though, I find that if I’m just a bit more patient, and give him an extra minute or two to think things through on his own, he will cooperate willingly. It’s easy to mistake his need for order for defiance. Giving him lots of choices about things that don’t matter as much is a very helpful tool with N, as is giving him lots of warning that we’re leaving. As much as they drive me crazy sometimes now, I do think that some of these traits will serve him well in life. I think that N is extremely interested in how the world works, in how things are organized. He’s very imaginative, and dramatic, and he’s starting to tell us more and more complex stories. The ability to create a story and the desire to control one’s environment are probably part of the same thing – fiction could be seen as a form of complete control, after all. N has the capacity to get totally lost in an activity, lost in the world of learning, and imagination. He sings and rhymes all the time. I think it’s quite likely that he will also be an organized kid. He already likes his room neat, and often, after I’ve closed the door and tucked him in, he’ll get out of bed before naptime, clean up his room a bit more, and then go to sleep. So transitions are hard now – that’s just the price we pay for having such an intense, creative, persistent little thinker on our hands.

O similarly has traits that tax our patience now but might serve him well later in life. He is extremely persistent and stubborn, and has an unrelenting desire to take things apart and see how they work. This can be frustrating and even dangerous, and he’s gotten himself in some scary situations. Sometimes I feel like it’s all I can do to keep him safe, though this is slowly getting better. He knows some things are off limits and consistently leaves them alone. Still, I can’t leave him alone with anything new that’s electrical or with knobs, or he’ll attempt to take it apart to see how it works. His capacity for risk-taking in general scares me, as he climbs up walls and hangs off anything he can. (and actually, this is true for both boys). It’s as if the question in his brain is always some version of “I just want to see what happens when _____”. But, as he gets older, and develops a bit more impulse control and common sense, and is able to share more of what he’s thinking, I am gaining more respect for and shedding some of my annoyance with these tendencies.  He asks the most amazing questions: “Who made our house? What’s underneath our basement? Why do airplanes fly when their wings don’t flap? Where is the very top of the river?” He has an incredible memory, and so often shows evidence that he’s picked up information I had no idea he was paying attention to. He’s starting to be able to verbalize or research some of the questions he has without pulling everything apart. A few miles west of us, there’s a workshop for kids called Le*onardo’s Basement. You can register your child for a few sessions at a time based on age, and they can, with proper supervision, do everything from building electrical equipment, to dismantling machines, to welding. I can so see O being at home in such an environment –too bad they have to be at least 5 years old. O is extremely persistent when he’s trying to learn something, and isn’t easily discouraged. He is already learning that if he keeps trying, he’ll get it eventually. I remind myself continually that the desire to take everything apart will likely be followed by a desire to put things together. Only God knows what form that might take, but it could be interesting. Meanwhile, the best way to get through a rainy afternoon with O right now is to take of the back of the toilet tank and spend 30 solid minutes talking with him about how everything in there works. So I have to keep a careful eye on O, and spend a lot of time teaching him on what he can and can’t get himself into. It’s the price we pay for having such a curious, creative kid who stubbornly sticks to things until he figures them out.

Obviously, discipline is an important part of what we do with young children, but at the end of a tough day with them it is so easy for me to resent their inborn tendencies, tendencies that are part and parcel of the gifts God has given them, because those tendencies are inconvenient to deal with in young children who need so much attention. It’s probably much more helpful to try not to see these traits as the enemy, even when they test my patience. May God grant me the wisdom to take the long view, to trust that we can help guide them to use their gifts to the fullest capacity someday..

Ultimately, I think that the not knowing what shape that will take is one of the gifts of parenthood. That part isn’t up to us – we are only guides and teachers, doing the best we can, and letting go just a little continually, from the time the umbilical cord is cut to the time they leave the house a couple of decades later. We tell our boys that their job is to be safe, respectful, and kind. All the rules and limits we have for them basically stem from those three things, and I don’t think that basic idea will change as long as they live under our roof. I do suspect that N and O will be interesting, thoughtful, good people someday, and that they’ll be better off if we don’t try to make them into something they weren’t meant to be. I suspect that someday it will seem like that was a very small price to pay for the privilege of being part of it all.

Comments

[cloudscome]

We've been having a couple of very rough weeks around here. With potty talk and rivalry between the boys, and impatience and grouchiness from me. I don't know what's going on. I am trying my best to turn it around but I am at my wits end. Praying it's just a phase. Your writing about how your boys change month to month gives me hope. It must be signs of growth, right? I think it's called disequilibrium.

[Mardougrrl]

I love the way you write about your children...you really have a good sense of them as PEOPLE, and a tolerance and affection for that. I still feel like Madam and I are so enmeshed, it's difficult to pull away from my blinding adoration and see her somewhat objectively. I'm working on it.

Can't wait until I am back in MN so we can have a playdate. The boys have REALLY grown. :)

[caro]

You are so good at understanding what makes your kids tick. I'm always impressed when you write about their personalities. (And also, damn, they are smart!)